How to work with students’ vulnerability

Vulnerability is a concept we might not talk often about in our daily work. But Brené Brown brought it into common discourse with her powerful and inspiring books, such as Daring Greatly, and her TED talk, The Power of Vulnerability.

And vulnerability may be surprisingly important in a college counsellor’s work. 

It would be reasonable to assume that vulnerability belongs only to the realm of social-emotional counsellors, dealing with sensitive and private interpersonal issues. But because of the nature of the conversations we have with students, vulnerability can enter our work in surprising and unexpected ways. We must honour that and work with it carefully. 

This article will explore the concept of vulnerability, as proposed by Brené Brown, identify where and why we witness it in our work with students, and examine how we can work with it. 

What is vulnerability?

In this podcast episode with psychologist Adam Grant, Brené Brown describes vulnerability as follows: “Vulnerability is very simply defined as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. It’s the affect or emotion we feel in times of great uncertainty, risk and [when] an emotional exposure just means I put myself out there.”

Given this definition, when might we witness vulnerable moments in college counselling? 

Vulnerability in college counselling  

When: conversations about futures 
Why: associating future plans with dreams and hopes 

Talking about hopes and aspirations is intrinsic to conversations about universities, career options and futures. And sharing these innermost wishes – the dreams, hopes, and aspirations that you have harboured since you were young – can be exciting. But it can also be a vulnerable moment because it requires emotional exposure. It really does require you to put yourself out there. 

When: discussions about grades and finding the best-fit university
Why: uncertainty of capability 

Talking about one’s current grades and identifying universities that match academic potential can also be a sensitive topic. For a student, realising that their current capacity might not allow them to be successful in their application can be distressing and marked with uncertainty – making them feel vulnerable. 

When: conflict between parents and students 
Why: fear of disappointment and weight of expectations

University choices can lead to conflict between parents and students, for various reasons. A parent and child’s expectations or narratives of success may differ. Or the parent can find their child not living up to their expectations. The cultural connotations of university education and the capital it’s perceived to carry in certain cultures can place further pressure on the student that they don’t feel capable of handling. This can certainly be a situation that makes them feel vulnerable.

When: discussion of financial constraints
Why: sensitivity and shame around discussion of money

University tuition fees vary widely. Sometimes a student wants to attend a university that’s expensive and beyond their budget, and that can create pressure and potential shame. Additionally, students might carry guilt about the financial burden they’re placing on their families. Or they may experience shame when needing to request application fee waivers or discuss their family’s economic limitations with school staff. These situations can also engender feelings of vulnerability. 

When: talking about learning differences or mental health challenges 
Why: fear of judgement 

When discussing best-fit universities, the student’s current learning differences or mental health challenges, the subsequent need for continued support in university can come up. Fear of judgement can make this a difficult conversation for students to have. In addition, they might worry whether disclosing these issues could disadvantage them in the assessment of their applications. 

When: facing rejections 
Why: fear of failure 

We generally do not like failing at things. Being rejected by a university is construed as a failure (although it shouldn’t necessarily be), and this is a situation deeply characterised by uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure – the very definition of vulnerability, according to Brown. 

Working with vulnerability in college counselling

We are part of the integral support network for students at school, and students need adult figures who can accept and understand them when they are vulnerable. As we recognise when and why students experience vulnerability in college counselling, we must also develop intentional strategies to respond with the care and compassion they deserve. 

The rest of this article is devoted to strategies to help us do this, with links to articles on THE Counsellor that further expand on each suggestion. 

Create a safe space for vulnerability

• Create psychologically safe spaces.
• Validate the courage it takes to share vulnerable feelings.

Reframe mindset and language

• Reframe notions of “failure”.
• Remind students that rejection isn’t failure but is a natural part of the journey.
• Remind them that success means more than university destinations or careers.
• Affirm their self-worth unconditionally.
• Remind them that career paths are squiggly.
• Address perfectionism directly.

Encourage authentic self-discovery

• Encourage students to be honest with themselves.
• Encourage students to try new things (activities, applications) without fear of failure.

Support ongoing process

• Check in with students regularly, not just during crisis moments.
• Help students develop their own self-compassion practices.
• Connect students with other staff members and peer-support networks.

Work with family systems

• Mediate vulnerable conversations between parents and students.
• Educate families about the university application process (for example, to mitigate expectations about admission to highly selective universities). 

Build resilience skills

• Teach emotional-regulation techniques for handling uncertainty.
• Go through all “what if” scenarios together to reduce fear of the unknown.

Maintain professional boundaries

• Model appropriate vulnerability (for example. acknowledging your own stories of struggles) while establishing boundaries.
• Know when to refer students to mental health professionals.

Lastly, let’s reflect on Brené Brown’s observation that “Courage is born out of vulnerability, not strength.” 

University applications and planning for the future take a great deal of courage. We often focus on the virtue of strength, but vulnerability can actually be a powerful catalyst for courage. With vulnerability, our students can learn to foster authentic relationships with others and also with themselves.

Let us be counsellors who are able to create a safe space for vulnerability and welcome the fact that our students are revealing themselves to us.