Counselling activity: compassionate letter to myself

In the final years of high school, students are expected to make major life decisions within a short period of time – while also preparing for exams, managing personal changes and relationships, dealing with pressure from social media and coping with uncertainty in the world around them.

Throughout the university application process, students can become highly self-critical and anxious when they struggle to make decisions, receive rejections or experience conflict between their own vision for the future and their parents’ expectations. The goal is to help students recognise and accept what they are going through, develop a more compassionate inner voice instead of a critical one, and continue working towards their goals with greater resilience.

One particularly effective technique I use in counselling is the “compassionate letter to self.” This activity is based on the ideas of self-compassion and compassion-focused therapy developed by Paul Gilbert, a professor of clinical psychology.

The activity begins by introducing and explaining the concept of self-compassion: the ability to treat yourself with the same understanding, kindness and support that you would show to someone you deeply care about.

Students are then guided through writing a letter to themselves from the perspective of their compassionate self.

Step 1: Identify the struggle

Students briefly describe the situation causing distress. For example: “I feel lost because I still can’t decide what to study” or “I feel embarrassed because others already have offers”.

This stage encourages emotional awareness and reflection.

Step 2: Activate the compassionate self

This step begins with a short reflective conversation. I invite students to think about how they would respond if someone they deeply cared about was in the same situation as them. Students are often significantly kinder, more patient and more understanding towards others than they are towards themselves.

Students are then encouraged to reflect on the warmth, care and support shown in this response, before gradually directing that same compassion towards themselves.

Step 3: Write the compassionate letter

Students are instructed to write a short compassionate letter to themselves about the situation they are struggling with.

I encourage them to first reactivate the compassionate feelings from the previous step by thinking about the person they identified and how they would respond to them with kindness, patience, understanding and support.

Students are encouraged to write the letter in the second person, as if their compassionate self is speaking directly to them (“I know you're struggling at the moment…”), because this often feels more emotionally supportive and natural for them. If they notice themselves becoming self-critical while writing, they are encouraged to pause, reconnect with the compassionate mindset and then continue writing.

Step 4: Reflection and moving forwards

Students are invited to read the letter to themselves and reflect on how it makes them feel. They are encouraged to gradually internalise this more compassionate inner voice so that they can reactivate it whenever difficult emotions or situations arise in future.

Students can also return to the letter throughout the counselling process, as they continue working towards their goals and future plans.

It is important to note that students should never be asked to share their letters unless they want to. Some might prefer privacy, while others might choose to discuss certain sections afterwards or to read them aloud to the counsellor.

Benefits of the compassionate letter

This simple exercise helps students reduce self-criticism, manage the high expectations they place on themselves and develop a more supportive inner voice. It can be adapted for individual counselling sessions, small-group workshops or well-being programmes for different stages of the university guidance process.

The technique can be used at multiple stages of the counselling journey:

• when students feel overwhelmed by university or career decisions
• after disappointing predicted grades or examination results
• following university rejections or unsuccessful applications
• during periods of comparison with peers
• when students experience anxiety about uncertainty or their future identity.

I have found this technique particularly effective with students who struggle with self-worth and fear of disappointing others. It helps students recognise emotional roadblocks and internal pressures that might affect their decision-making and future planning.

In international school settings, students are often exposed to highly competitive environments and constant peer comparison. The compassionate letter creates space for emotional processing and self-awareness, which is sometimes missing in achievement-focused settings. 

In my experience, students often remember this activity long after the counselling session itself. Many keep the letters and return to them during stressful periods. A relatively small reflective intervention can have a meaningful impact on students’ ability to cope with difficult emotions – which, left unchecked, can block their capacity for decision-making as they plan for their future.