Counsellor activity: how counsellors can resolve conflict

Traditional counselling techniques are useful for supporting students through transitions in many areas but they don’t always address the extreme family tension that can arise when students and parents are negotiating a best-fit university.

I’ve found the Circle of Conflict model, developed by US mediator and conflict management expert Christopher Moore, an effective tool when it comes to de-escalating extreme family conflict. I hope to add to the body of knowledge of our international counsellor community by providing a practical tool for use in your everyday practice.

What is the Circle of Conflict?

Moore developed the Circle of Conflict model to help professional mediators understand the root causes of conflict and develop strategies to resolve them.

The model identifies five primary drivers of conflict. Understanding which of these drivers contributes to the conflict is essential in order to develop a strategy for resolution. Parents and students might have a rigid position regarding university selection (“A business degree is the only way” versus “I only want to study art”).

Moore’s model allows counsellors to move beyond the expressed positions of the parties to the true drivers of the conflict. These are usually one of the following:

Data: conflicts can relate to factual information – for example, disputes over university rankings or graduate employment statistics.

Relationships: misunderstandings or unresolved issues between parent and child can affect the decision being made.

Values: fundamental differences in beliefs – such as the parent’s desire for status and the student’s desire for passion – can impact decision-making.

Interests: there may be unstated underlying concerns. For example, a parent’s insistence on a particular degree programme typically stems from an interest in financial security. By contrast, the student’s resistance can relate to an interest in independence.

Structure: These are externally imposed limits, such as budgetary constraints or visa requirements.

By using the Circle of Conflict to map conflicts, counsellors can avoid treating a values conflict as if it were a data conflict, thus conserving time and emotional energy.

Identifying the common interest

I had the opportunity to work with an outstanding student who was interested in pursuing peace studies and social sciences. However, her parents wanted her to pursue a degree in engineering because they perceived it to be more financially rewarding. The relationship between parents and daughter was strained, and home conversations would quickly deteriorate into frustration.

Before we had the family meeting, I used a “clearing” technique. Clearings assess whether participants have other matters on their mind that are not relevant to the topic at hand. By acknowledging these extraneous thoughts, counsellors can minimise misunderstandings. I merely asked the family members what was occupying them that morning that had nothing to do with university stress. This short break allowed us to lower the emotional heat.

Once the air had been cleared, I mentally applied their conflict to the Circle of Conflict. I realised that this was a conflict based on interests and values, not data. Instead of debating the merits of each degree course, I posed questions to encourage conversation between all three parties. I asked the parents what scared them most about the future and asked the student what kind of social impact she wanted to have. We collectively identified that the parents’ underlying interest was ensuring economic security and that the student’s interest was creating positive social change.

By focusing on the common Interests of all parties involved, we were able to shift the conversation and ultimately arrive at a mutually beneficial solution: a joint honours degree in international relations and economics. This offered the parents financial stability and the student a path towards making meaningful social impact.

Practical applications: mediating in your office

Document student progress early

Create a detailed record of a student’s academic progress throughout years 10 to 13. This creates objective data that can counteract any misinformation shared during family meetings.

Map out priorities before the meeting

Ask each party to separately share their priorities before meeting together. This provides counsellors with insight into where the core conflict driver lies (structure versus values).

Clear the air

Before beginning intense meetings, ask each participant to identify the immediate external stressors that are distracting them, so you can create a space to clear the air.

Focus on common interests

Educate the family on how to separate rigid positions from underlying interests. Then work collaboratively to identify commonalities and establish a collective list of preferred universities.