Understanding autistic grief to support staff and students through loss

Grief and loss are universal, inherently complex and non-linear experiences. They can destabilise routine, sense of safety or self, and may result in longer-term mental health complications if not processed with the compassion and sensitivity they deserve. I know this both professionally and on a deeper personal level, having unexpectedly lost my stepmother at the start of this year.

At the outset, it is important to understand what loss is. Loss refers to the absence of someone or something meaningful. This can encompass death, relationship breakdown, identity or role changes, and loss of safety, such as living through a natural disaster. When we also consider the different types of loss, such as:

• Traumatic loss: sudden and unexpected (such as accidents, suicide, unknown illness) 
• Anticipatory loss: expected (for example, long-term terminal illness) 
• Complicated loss: prolonged or intense disruption to life and functioning 
• Ambiguous loss: lack of closure or certainty 

We can quickly see how complex the grief journey can be. When this loss is processed through an autistic lens, commonly recognised frameworks for grief, such as the stages identified by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, can feel less clear or defined. The question therefore becomes: how can we identify those who are struggling, and how can we help?

Processing loss and identifying the struggle

First, it is important to remember that all grief is unique to the individual. For autistic people, however, processing might look different from perceived social norms. Let us consider alexithymia, for example. Alexithymia, sometimes referred to as “emotional blindness”, describes difficulty identifying, understanding and expressing emotions, and is increasingly recognised alongside autism, with research indicating that roughly half of autistic people have alexithymia. This can make it difficult for professionals to provide support when the individual themselves might struggle to recognise how they are feeling, instead focusing on factual details or the sequence of events over their emotional response.

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There are also common presentations we may observe. The staff member or student in question might experience intense sensory or physiological responses while showing flat, reduced or inconsistent emotional expression. For example, someone could become more irritable, less confident or increasingly restless. This can also present alongside executive dysfunction and behavioural change. A usually punctual student or staff member might begin arriving late, struggle with organisation or exhibit a noticeable reduction in skills and confidence in tasks they would normally manage with ease.

These changes can reflect a wider sense of autistic overwhelm and, potentially, autistic burnout, while individuals navigate the practical realities that accompany death and loss, such as funeral planning, informing family and friends and registering the death.

How can we, as higher education professionals, help?

As higher education institutions, there are several ways we can support grieving autistic colleagues and students.

1. Practical support

Where possible, offer written checklists and clear task breakdowns to reduce the cognitive load of planning and organisation during periods of grief. Allow time for sensory regulation. Staff and students might need increased access to tools such as noise-cancelling headphones, stimming aids or quiet spaces. Flexible adjustments, including delegated tasks, extensions, deferrals or short, scheduled breaks, can also be invaluable. For example, a brief 15-minute walk after back-to-back meetings or teaching sessions could significantly reduce sensory overwhelm through a simple change in environment.

2. Proactive rather than reactive support

Autistic individuals might struggle to reach out for support, particularly in the aftermath of loss. For staff, managers should consider scheduling regular supervision sessions to review workload, well-being and distress tolerance. For students, once a bereavement has been identified or disclosed, planned tutor check-ins and consent-based referrals to well-being services can provide consistent support and monitoring.

3. Be direct and collaborative

Ask individuals how they would prefer support to be delivered. Some might find face-to-face meetings emotionally overwhelming and may communicate more comfortably online, particularly if cameras can remain off. Providing choice can reduce masking demands and increase psychological safety.

4. Signposting 

It is OK not to have the “perfect” response. Signposting to appropriate services such as Cruse Bereavement Support, Mind, GPs, counselling services and mental health teams can help create a wider support network for the autistic individual to lean on.

5. Recognise and sit with the grief

Autistic people can often feel misunderstood, so simply acknowledging that a situation is awful, painful or unfair can be incredibly powerful. Attempts to find silver linings or minimise the experience might feel invalidating, particularly in cases of traumatic loss where understanding and control already feel limited. Behavioural changes should be recognised as responses to the gravity of loss, rather than reflections of character or capability.

Grief does not follow a universal timeline, and autistic grief may present in ways that are easily misunderstood or overlooked. As professionals within higher education, we can create environments that respond with flexibility, understanding and compassion. Small adjustments and proactive support can make a significant difference to autistic staff and students navigating loss. Above all, recognising grief without judgement and creating space to process it safely can help people feel supported, understood and less alone during some of life’s most difficult moments.

Imogen Varle is mental health intervention officer at De Montfort University and an author, writer and editor.