Laurie Taylor – 4 August 2016

The official weekly newsletter of the University of Poppleton. Finem respice!

August 4, 2016
University of York timetable, The Poppletonian (4 August 2016)

Having a good time!

A new survey reveals that on average students at the Russell Group University of York spend 12 hours a week “socialising” – a total in excess of every other UK university. We are pleased to reproduce this extract from a York student timetable.

Young man having heart rate checked by doctor
Really working class?

Class distinction

Our Head of Student Admissions, Sean Cholmondley, has publicly praised Sam Baars, director of research at education thinktank LKMco, for his forthright assertion that the lack of an “agreed definition of who white working-class boys are” has held back attempts to increase the number of such boys in higher education.

Mr Cholmondley told The Poppletonian that he was particularly impressed by Dr Baars’ point that it was difficult to decide whether to classify students as working class on the basis of their neighbourhood or their eligibility for free school meals or their household’s income or their parents’ occupation.

In the past, said Mr Cholmondley, his own admissions team at Poppleton had assessed the working-class nature of applicants by examining the relative hoariness of their hands. But after the intervention by Dr Baars it was now quite clear that more sophisticated criteria were needed. He thought a start might be made by asking applicants to pronounce his own name.

Bull angrily looking into camera

Come in, your number’s up

Last week’s meeting of the Annual Leave Entitlement Committee considered the cases of three academics who had exceeded their summer vacation allowance. The final judgements of the committee are as follows:

Professor G. Lapping, Department of Media and Cultural Studies
Excess: One day late returning from shared Provençal villa
Stated reason for lateness: Mrs Lapping stung on left cheek by flying scorpion
Committee’s judgement: Serious doubts were expressed over a scorpion’s ability to fly
Sentence: Boxing Day leave of absence cancelled

Professor L. E. D. Scart, Department of Computer Science
Excess: Two days late returning from Spanish vacation
Stated reason for lateness: Gored in the side during Pamplona Bull Run
Committee’s judgement: Photographic evidence of “goring” was inconclusive
Sentence: Six months of service on the Technical Staff Sub-Committee

Dr Rebecca Stride, Department of English and Related Studies
Excess: 10 days
Stated reason for lateness: Kidnapped in Naples by white slave traders and forced into servitude on the Barbary Coast
Committee’s judgement: Dr Stride’s commendable commitment to literary fiction has once again seriously loosened her grip on reality
Sentence: Cleaning the mysterious black scum from the surface of the biology pond.

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