How to have difficult conversations with your parents about your university choice

Applying to university can bring on a mix of feelings ranging from excitement to fear, or optimism to uncertainty. As you think about your hopes and plans, your parents are likely to express their dreams for you, too. When your choices about your future course, major or university do not match their ideas, emotions may run high, and communication may feel challenging, if not impossible. Here are some ways to approach tough conversations.

Remember that your parents’ actions come from a place of concern and care. You all want the same outcomes of finding the best university and course of study for you.

Do your homework to explain and justify your choices. What specific aspects of the course/major do you think match your interests and academic profile? What does a particular university offer in terms of programmes, atmosphere or opportunities that will benefit your study and career plans?

Resist the urge to shut your parents out of the process or to treat your university planning as “none of their business”. Not knowing increases their tension and fears. And remember that they are your parents, which implies certain rights for them to know, especially if they are funding your studies.

Think about how you want to communicate your plans. Sitting down and talking is best, but you might want to build up to the “big discussion”. What initial communication feels doable and comfortable for you? For example, think about writing your parents a letter or email outlining your plans and ideas to read in advance of a conversation. Or write out a list of points that you want to cover when talking with them.

Talk with your parents about how you feel and how you prefer to share information. If daily questions at the dinner table about your planning and course selection seem to inevitably lead to an argument, propose another approach, such as a scheduled weekly check-in chat. Or do you notice times when conversation flows more easily, for instance when you and your mum are walking the dog, or washing the dishes with your dad? Make a point to share your progress with them at those times.

What to consider if you are the first in your family to go to university
Nine tips for students studying abroad for the first time
Five reasons why you should study abroad

Try to listen and not just talk when you speak with your parents. You might feel that your parents are not listening. But consider that they might be feeling the same way.

Take a step back and try to identify points that you all agree on. You might not see much agreement about your choice of what to study, but try to find common ground. You might want to study art history while your mum is pushing you towards something more “practical”. Explain how you hope to find an internship during university at an auction house where you can learn about running a business, communicating with clients and making professional presentations.

Involve your school counsellor or a school teacher to help open the lines of communication. But your counsellor should not be the messenger between you and your parents. Your counsellor is there to help guide you and your parents to find information and to provide advice based on his or her experience and knowledge. The counsellor’s role is not to take sides or to force a decision.

In the end, you are in charge of your university planning. The more you do to show that you are doing the research and evaluating information to make informed choices, the more persuasive you can be.