You're bending my arm

Dear Professor Lapping: I am writing to provisionally accept your offer of the job of permanent lecturer in cultural studies at the University of Poppleton. As you are no doubt aware, the upcoming Research Assessment Exercise means that the "transfer season" is nearly over and I would like to think that my last four years' output (four books, ten book chapters, refereed journal papers and a Pounds 350,000 research contract) influenced your decision. Should I accept, I hope you can see your way to clearing a few obstacles and giving me a few concessions:

1: A lighter than average teaching load (about five contact hours a week including third-year project supervision seems like a fair whack to me).

2: No administrative responsibilities whatsoever.

3: Absolutely no first- and second-year teaching.

4: The opportunity to work from home when appropriate (about four days a week springs to mind).

5: The opportunity to stay where I am living now (even though I will be 152 miles from the actual campus, my heart and email address will be there).

6: A sizeable capital equipment budget.

7: The turning of a blind eye should I not get to 90 per cent of staff meetings (or arrange staff meetings to be on the day I am in. This day will not be fixed).

8: Absolutely no marking of anyone else's courses.

9: No teaching involving any associated assessed work (apart from third-year projects maybe), 10: Office hours on certain dates only (bank holidays and every alternate Monday out of term).

11: A sabbatical every second year.

12: At least three full-time research assistants in addition to those that I procure for myself.

13: Pounds 5,000 p.a. added to the advertised salary.

I hope that you find these concessions mutually beneficial and that they will be easy for you to sell to the department. I look forward to hearing from you and (hopefully) seeing you a few times a year should I be offered the contract. By the way, could you let me know as soon as possible (i.e. within the next 36 hours) as I will be out of the country for six weeks as of Thursday and straight after that I will be going on annual leave for three weeks.

MARK GRIFFITHS

Psychology department, University of Plymouth