And God had no funding

Old Testament expert Alastair Hunter of Glasgow University's divinity faculty gave scripture a new spin at last week's Association of University Teachers' Scottish council. He described how Adam's work in Eden University was initially not too arduous, simply looking after some trees. But things got tougher when he was also given charge of the animals, who were fruitful and multiplied. He asked the vice-chancellor, Big G, for help, and was told his resources would be doubled.

"Big G said: 'We're going to take a bit of you and turn it into someone else to help you out.' There is a direct analogy there to university funding, where we've been cannibalising ourselves to keep the system afloat," said Rev Hunter.