Laurie Taylor

September 26, 2013

We’re going up, up, up!

“Rejoice! Rejoice!” exclaimed our Director of Corporate Affairs, Jamie Targett, as he revealed at yesterday’s specially convened staff meeting in the atrium of the new Management Building that our university has moved up 74 places in the Extremely Excellent University Guide compiled by the Poppleton and District Evening Gazette.

With the help of PowerPoint, Targett demonstrated that for the first time in its relatively long and relatively undistinguished history, Poppleton now occupies a top 20 position in the league table of UK universities.

In answer to a number of questions from the floor, Targett admitted that the dramatic improvement in Poppleton’s standing had not yet been recognised by any of the other well-known university league tables. He instanced the recently published The Times Good University Guide 2014, which “misleadingly” placed our university at 122nd in its overall rankings and signalled its distinctive status with a dustbin and a downward-pointing arrow.

Poppletonian league table

However, Targett was quick to point out that this discrepancy was readily explained by the narrower range of criteria employed by other league table compilers.

Only the Poppleton and District Evening Gazette Extremely Excellent University Guide took into account such critical indicators of academic standing as Size of the Vice-Chancellor’s Emolument, Ratio of Managers to Academic Staff, Number of Zero-Hours Contract Graduate Assistants and Distance of University Campus from Nearest Branch of World of Leather.

Targett’s final words were drowned out by an excited staff chant: “Russell Group! Here we come!”

Freshers’ Week removals

After concerns about freedom of speech, our Head of Campus Security, Brigadier T. W. Trouncing, has announced the reasons behind his decision to remove the following student stalls from the current Freshers’ Week Display.

1. Jesus Loves Me Society “Empirically dubious”

2. Guess Our Vice-Chancellor’s Weight In Potatoes “Bordering on the irreverent”

3. Shag a Don Club The inclusion in the club’s leaflet of a list of “20 well-known academic shaggers” together with their departmental affiliation was deemed “provocative”

4. The International Revolutionary Marxist Anti-Zionist Party of Great Britain and Northern Ireland The space taken up by the title of the society “seriously impinged upon neighbouring stalls”

Thought for the week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

In next week’s training seminar, our guest lecturer, Dr Strabismus of the University of Utrecht, will show how popular music lyrics can be used as an incentive to better academic assessment procedures. His lecture is titled “Help me get my feedback on the ground”.

You've reached your article limit.

Register to continue

Registration is free and only takes a moment. Once registered you can read a total of 3 articles each month, plus:

  • Sign up for the editor's highlights
  • Receive World University Rankings news first
  • Get job alerts, shortlist jobs and save job searches
  • Participate in reader discussions and post comments

Have your say

Log in or register to post comments

Featured Jobs

Assistant Recruitment - Human Resources Office

University Of Nottingham Ningbo China

Outreach Officer

Gsm London

Professorship in Geomatics

Norwegian University Of Science & Technology -ntnu

Professor of European History

Newcastle University

Head of Department

University Of Chichester
See all jobs

Most Commented

men in office with feet on desk. Vintage

Three-quarters of respondents are dissatisfied with the people running their institutions

A face made of numbers looks over a university campus

From personalising tuition to performance management, the use of data is increasingly driving how institutions operate

students use laptops

Researchers say students who use computers score half a grade lower than those who write notes

Canal houses, Amsterdam, Netherlands

All three of England’s for-profit universities owned in Netherlands

As the country succeeds in attracting even more students from overseas, a mixture of demographics, ‘soft power’ concerns and local politics help explain its policy