Staff drug shock probe

January 8, 2009

A significant proportion of academic staff at this university may be using drugs to enhance their performance.

This was the shock implication of remarks made last week by Doctor Fritz Itzig of our Department of Psychology.

Doctor Itzig was responding to the recent demand from Professor John Harris of the Institute for Science, Ethics and Innovation at the University of Manchester, that the Government should "seriously consider" making cognition-enhancing drugs available to students without prescription.

"I fully support Professor Harris' demand," Doctor Itzig told our reporter Keith Ponting (30). "Of course students should have all the drugs they want. It's only fair. After all, it's impossible to believe that half the academic staff in this place could get through an average term unless they were completely off their heads."

Doctor Itzig denied taking hard drugs himself but admitted that he must have been "completely ripped" when he accepted his current teaching load.

University film theatre: forthcoming attractions

  • Wednesday 14 January 2009: The Battleship Potemkin
  • Wednesday 25 February 2009: The Battleship Potemkin
  • Wednesday 4 March 2009: The Battleship Potemkin
  • Wednesday 15 April 2009: The Battleship Potemkin

Please note that in response to a large number of requests, none of these showings will be followed by a discussion.

Is our V-C out of touch?

Claims that our Vice-Chancellor is out of touch with popular culture were revived last week when it was revealed that he was the only vice-chancellor in Times Higher Education's 2009 Prediction List who did not express a personal interest in the fortunes of a football team.

While vice-chancellors such as Les Ebdon (Bedfordshire), John Craven (Portsmouth) and Steve Smith (Exeter) declared their respective hopes for Spurs, Portsmouth and Norwich, our Vice-Chancellor confined his remarks to administrative matters.

This is not the first time the V-C has been indicted for being out of touch. Only last term he disconcerted some members of staff by including Xbox among the university's list of banned pornographic websites.

Biscuits: A correction

Our Director of Finance, Mr G.T.E. Dodgson, has revealed that there are no current plans to emulate the University of Derby, which recently marked the cut in the rate of VAT by giving members of staff £100 each in shopping vouchers.

He categorically denied that the unexpected appearance of two plates of biscuits at last week's meeting of the General Academic Board was indicative of a more relaxed financial climate. "The biscuits appeared as a result of an administrative error by a new member of our team who was not au fait with current biscuit policy. In the circumstances, however, no action will be taken against those members of staff who chose to take advantage of this inappropriate biscuit availability."

Thought for the Week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

Well, here we are again after the statutory vacation. It's sometimes a little hard to leave behind all the jollity of the festive season, so here's a nice light-hearted saying to help you all face up to the 284 working days that lie ahead.

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

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