Laurie Taylor – 2 March 2017

The official weekly newsletter of the University of Poppleton. Finem respice!

March 2, 2017
University hotel receptionist
Source: iStock
Room service?

Have a nice night!

“I can’t manage without a trouser press.”

That was the defensive reaction of our vice-chancellor to the news that in 2016 he spent an average of £450 a night staying in hotels.

Support for the vice-chancellor was forthcoming from Jamie Targett, Poppleton’s Director of Corporate Affairs. Mr Targett told our reporter Keith Ponting (30) that such hotel expenses were in no way extraordinary. “One has only to glance at the UCU report on vice-chancellors’ perks to see that our vice-chancellor’s claim of £450 per night was easily exceeded by Professor Dame Julia Goodfellow, vice-chancellor of the University of Kent, whose average overnight hotel bill in 2016 was £494.”

But, wondered Ponting, what other costs apart from the hire of a trouser press might account for our own vice-chancellor’s hefty overnight bill?

Mr Targett said that he was “not privy” to our vice-chancellor’s in-room extras but he disputed the “scurrilous” online suggestion that the bills included such sundries as the cost of refilling the in-room drinks cabinet, the hire charge for five triple X-rated adult films, the price of recharging two exhausted fire extinguishers, and the expenses incurred by the hotel in replacing the television set and the large picture window through which it had apparently been hurled.

A message from the editor

There is, of course, no suggestion that Professor Dame Julia Goodfellow’s enormous overnight hotel bills were incurred as a result of any of the above in-room excesses.

Women line dancing
Limbering up for their two-year degree

The mooing of the cash cows

“Another wonderful opportunity to make fat profits out of higher education.”

That was the exultant reaction of one of Poppleton’s leading private-for-profit universities to the news that universities that offer two-year fast-track degrees may now raise their tuition fees to more than £13,000 a year.

Mrs Daisy Tomelty, vice-chancellor of The Poppleton College of Tap Dancing, which was recently granted university status under the Jo Johnson policy of encouraging self-destructive competition, told The Poppletonian that she would need to make only “slight internal adjustments” in order to meet the two-year target.

“It will necessarily involve some overnight tuition and an end to staff holiday entitlement and a more relaxed attitude to the marking of finals papers. But, all in all, it’s another courageous attempt by Mr Johnson to break away from the outmoded idea of a university as a university.”

A spoonful of medicine

Our Head of Curriculum Development, Janet Fluellen, has expressed “profound disappointment” at the news that Regent’s University is to sever its links with the Centre for Homeopathic Education.

But Ms Fluellen said that at least the recent criticism of Regent’s for showing disgraced doctor Andrew Wakefield’s controversial film Vaxxed, about the supposed link between the administration of the MMR vaccine and autism, had not affected Middlesex University’s links with the centre’s Bachelor of Science degree course, which was testament to at least one institution’s readiness to eschew “political correctness”.

It was for this reason that Poppleton had no current plans to close down its BSc in Astrology or its MA in Holocaust Denial.

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