Just savour the carbon and oil...

Alana Bates , communications officer for Middlesex University Students' Union, reviews the university's Trent Park Mansion cafe, run by Scolarest.

The polystyrene-like chips look rather dry, as do the hash browns, which appear to have been sitting on the hotplate since this morning.

The sweaty sausage roll, beans and chips remind me of my primary-school dinners, except I didn't have to pay through the nose for them then.

Ignoring the shrivelled chipolatas, I choose today's special and put a couple of "spicy marinated legs" on my plate. They seem to have shrunk in what appears to have been a very thorough cooking process.

I top up with a few "crispy" chicken tikka pieces (crispy seems to mean burnt to a crisp). I also choose plain pasta tubes, which are dried out on top after sitting on the hotplate. I add some vegetables, namely what look like frozen carrots swimming in oil.

Yum. And all for just £2.

I'm not going to eat this. I know carbon is the base of all life, but I'm not too fond of the taste of it! I would not recommend this to my dog. 1/10 ."