Critical ignoramass

April 19, 2002

A reader has alerted The Diary to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium".

Administratium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by morons.

Because Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take more than four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass".

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