Comrades, cadavers and cash

At last, the contingency plans to combat "death threats" from employers - who warned a fortnight ago that they would not release payouts to the families of striking academics who might die on the picket line - can be revealed.

Insiders at the Association of University Teachers have joked that, while picketers themselves would have been unable to enter university premises, they were prepared to throw the bodies of any deceased comrades into the nearest building and swear that they had died as a result of their efforts to get into work.