‘Why I tell my students, “Not right now”’

One of the most valuable lessons I learnt in counselling didn’t come from a training course. It came from a single sentence: “Not right now.”

There was a time when those three words made me feel uncomfortable. As a counsellor, I believed my job was to respond immediately. If a student needed me, I stopped what I was doing. If a parent wanted an answer, I found one as fast as I could. If someone asked for a minute, I always tried to find one. It felt like the caring thing to do.

Over time, however, I realised I wasn’t always giving people what they actually needed – I was giving them what I happened to have available in that moment. The two are not the same.

Some of us serve as comprehensive counsellors and some of us are strictly careers and university counsellors. Yet every one of us will face moments where we must decide whether immediate support or thoughtful support will serve the student best.

The moment that changed my thinking

The moment that changed my thinking was surprisingly ordinary. A student arrived at my office, visibly upset. They wanted to talk immediately. My instinct had always been to stop everything and speak to the student. 

This time I did something different. I sat beside them and said, “You look really upset, and I’m here to help you. I’d like to give you a few moments to calm down and take some deep breaths. I’m going to finish what I am doing, and then I’ll come straight back so we can talk properly and work through this together.”

While I finished my task – which took no more than 10 minutes – the student had options. They could journal, listen to music, play with a fidget toy or flip through yearbooks. Or they could simply sit quietly.

When I came back, I noticed something. The conversation was different. The student was still upset, but they were no longer overwhelmed – they were better able to explain what had happened. They could reflect, they could problem-solve and, because I wasn’t mentally juggling unfinished work, I could be fully present too.

That day taught me something I hadn’t fully understood before. Sometimes “not right now” is actually the most caring response.

However, it should be noted that I do not take this approach if there was an immediate safeguarding concern or risk of harm. 

Attention versus speed

The same principle applies beyond social-emotional counselling. A student rushes in, asking you to review their personal statement; a parent wants an urgent meeting about university choices; a teacher stops by with a quick question; or a student needs a schedule change. Every one of these situations matters, but not every one of them requires an immediate response.

Sometimes what people need most is not speed, it’s your attention.

One phrase that has become part of my everyday practice is: “Thank you for trusting me with this. I’m happy to help. I’ll be able to give this the attention it deserves at 2pm.”

I have found that this simple response changes the tone of the entire conversation: it acknowledges the request, reassures the person they have been heard and communicates that their concern matters. And it protects something equally important: my ability to think clearly when I do respond. That distinction matters.

Perhaps one of the biggest misconceptions about healthy boundaries is that they create distance between us and the people we support.

In my experience, they do the opposite. Healthy boundaries create better conversations. They allow us to move from reacting to responding. They allow students to regulate before problem-solving. They allow parents to receive thoughtful guidance instead of hurried advice. And they allow counsellors to finish one piece of work before beginning another.

As counsellors, we regularly encourage students to develop healthy habits. We teach them to recognise when they need a break, to prioritise their well-being, to ask for help and to understand that saying yes to everything is neither realistic nor healthy.

Students learn from watching us. If they constantly see us abandoning our own priorities, apologising for taking breaks or responding immediately to every request, what message are we giving them? Healthy boundaries are not just something we encourage – they are something we model.

Consistency, not perfection

If you’re reading this and thinking, “That might work in your school, but it could never work in mine,” you’re probably not alone. Every school culture is different. Some counsellors have more flexibility than others. But every counsellor has at least one small habit they can begin protecting tomorrow.

When we’ve spent years responding immediately to every interruption, changing that pattern can feel uncomfortable. We worry that students will feel rejected and become frustrated, or that colleagues will stop seeing us as approachable. That discomfort is completely normal.

But healthy habits are built through consistency, not perfection. You don’t have to change everything. Start with that one email that can wait until the afternoon, one meeting that can start 10 minutes later or one request that receives the response “I’d love to help. Let me finish what I’m doing, and then you’ll have my full attention.”

Small changes, repeated consistently, become new expectations. Not because we asked people to respect our boundaries – but because we quietly showed them how we work.

I’ve realised over time that “not right now” protects the quality of support I give. What matters isn’t how quickly I respond – it’s the quality of attention I bring when I do respond. Because students, parents and colleagues deserve our best thinking, our calmest selves and our full presence.