So what are your thoughts on Janet Kennedy? Are you inclined to make an offer of a place?
Well, I was reasonably impressed by her references.
Good. Shall we run the usual checks? "Date and month of birth".
Excellent. So she's not one of those appallingly overprivileged September babies. And just how does she rate on "Disadvantaged background"?
We might be in luck again. She's from a little place in Norfolk. Up near the top right-hand corner.
Better check the Higher Education Funding Council for England map. Yes, you're absolutely right. She comes from northwest Norfolk, which is a rock-solid under 26 per cent entry prospect area. A top-rated disadvantaged background.
And that means there's even more good news. As she's applied to Poppleton, she's also "an applicant from a seriously disadvantaged background who has applied to a university outside their own home area".
It does, it does. But that's where the good news rather runs out. She is also seriously overprivileged in entry terms because of her gender.
She's a woman.
Exactly. But she's also a woman born at the right time of the year in a seriously disadvantaged part of the country who is applying to a university outside her home area. That's quite enough for me.
So that leaves only thing to do. Are you ready?
Right. Let's ask Janet in and give her the good news.