Laurie Taylor

"The University of Lancashire is to teach its academic staff how to speak to business people in their own language so as to boost their chances of winning commercial funding" - THES , January 19.

Now, if the class would settle down we can move on to the next phase of this course, which as you'll remember from your handouts, is role-playing. In this exercise I'd like you to imagine yourself walking into the office of a busy CEO one morning with what you hope will be a viable business proposition. Let's start with the elderly gentleman in the second row. No, not you sir. The gentleman with the brown check sports jacket and corduroy trousers. Your name?

Professor Lapping.

Right you are, Lapping. Knock. Knock. In you go.

Well, basically, I believe I have a high-profile USP that should enable your company to leverage its core business strengths while producing added shareholder value going forward. It is essentially a new-generation, user-friendly product that meshes well with your current marketing mix and commitment to disintermediation, while preserving brand identity and ensuring maximum bottom-line returns. In examining the logistics of this proposal, I've taken into account the emphasis in your mission statement on cost containment and your ongoing headcount reduction programme. I also recognise that before the product comes on stream, it will be necessary to test its POS viability in a segmented marketing situation with internal cross-functional project teams.

Very promising. One small point. How many of you feel that Lapping's presentation might have been marginally improved if it had been preceded by a single phrase? Any suggestions? Yes, the gentleman in the third row with the baggy sweater.

Vertical integration?

Not quite. Yes, the lady at the back in the floral smock.

Re-engineering the business process?

Not quite. The phrase I had in mind was good morning. All together now: GOOD MORNING.