Laurie Taylor Column

February 3, 2006

New websites give students a chance to rate their professors ( ) and professors to rate their students ( ) - The Times Higher, January  

The new site where university domestic staff rate academics.

You have chosen to view the ratings for the University of Poppleton .

Professor G. Lapping

What a stinker! This room looks and smells like a hamster's nest. Lapping brings his own lunch, but it looks as though he doesn't so much eat it as pass it up through the surface of his desk. Filthy. Only last week, Mrs Dobie found a three-tooth denture in his "Pending" tray. Unidentifiable stains on the carpet under the desk can't even be shifted by an industrial cleaner.

Jamie Targett, Director of Corporate Development

Lovely at first. But you only need to be in this room for a minute before your eyes start stinging from the aftershave. Mrs Dobie says it's like having twigs shoved up your nostrils. But at least Targett washes his hands a lot. Two towels a day and half a bar of Bulgari soap. What is he washing off?

Ted Odgers, Lecturer

Disgusting! This man's running kit has been hanging on the back of his door for at least six months. The underpants are congealed, the T-shirt stained with Gatorade and the Lycra pants look like they've been used to scrub up an abattoir. There are cigarette burns on both windowsills, and a drawer marked "Very confidential" holds a pamphlet about turning your university into a red base and how to make a Molotov cocktail.

The Vice-Chancellor

Yuck! Most mornings this room smells like a barmaid's apron. The man has more gin bottles than Gordon's. They're everywhere. You know he's been at them when the coffee table's on its side and there's a broken glass in Mrs Dilworth's in-tray. He has a stash of congealed chocolate biscuits in the first-aid cabinet, and Mrs Dobie once found half a Viagra wedged under his Russell Group paperweight.

Next week: Columnists rate the editor of The Times Higher .

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