Laurie Taylor Column

"Academics need to be lured on to training courses with enticing titles such as 'A Chair in Ten Years'" - Report from the Higher Education Development Group, September 2005

University of Poppleton
Autumn Term Courses
for Academic Staff

The One-Minute Head of Department
Yes, indeed, you could become a head of department in less time than it takes to say "peer review" by enrolling on this exciting six-seminar course. Learn how to develop your hidden leadership potential. Awaken your inner self. Build a passion for excellence. Fast-track your way to success. (Course also includes advice on creating spreadsheets, filling in research assessment exercise returns and massaging photocopying costs.)

The Agony and the Ecstasy: New Approaches to Committee Work
A four-seminar course that spells out precisely how you can become a TOP committee person. Discover the skills that will make your presence count on every committee. Amaze colleagues with your mastery of detail. Learn how to get your motions accepted - time after time after time. (Course also includes special units on points of order, matters arising, any other business and taking home the complementary biscuits.)

Secrets of Millionaire Academic Researchers
Want to earn £££££s from your research career? Then this two-seminar course is made for YOU. Learn how to unlock your inner strengths. Discover how to think BIG. Awaken the giant within. Strive for the highest goals. (Course includes practical advice on how to live without income for extended periods of time.)

Extra Virility Now
Worried about declining potency? Concerned that you can no longer keep going the way you once could? Want that little bit of extra oomph? Then this five-seminar course based on the latest advances in aerobic technology is guaranteed to set your pulses racing. (Course includes practical advice on sitting up straight, walking down long corridors and carrying more than three books at the same time.)

The University of Poppleton
"Embracing the Challenge
of Change"