Laurie Taylor Column

October 24, 2003

From : The Office of the Vice-Chancellor

Subject : New alcohol guidelines

Following last month's fracas in the SCR of Mother Theresa College, in which a member of the university Quality Assessment Team was thrown through the window into the chemistry filtration pond, it has been decided to revise guidelines on alcohol.

The following amendments should be stapled into your Staff Handbook immediately after Section 14 (A): Death in office.

1 . All members of staff are required to be sober during their official hours of teaching and to drink with moderation on campus outside such hours.

2 . Students will be asked to report staff who display the following signs of alcohol consumption during seminars/lectures:
a . Slurred speech
b . Unsteady gait
c . Deep coma.

3 . Porters have been asked to conduct random Breathalyser tests on staff who incite suspicion because of the following modes of conduct:
a . Unfocused corridor wandering
b . Hanging around empty pigeonholes
c . Hiding in cupboards.

4 . The entertainment allowance available to heads of department for visiting dignitaries will not now be claimable against the following beverages:
a . Gruttocks 4X Old Malthouse Bitter (tins, bottles and firkins)
b . Bacardi Breezers
c . Big Boy cocktail mixes.

5 . In order to discourage excessive drinking at departmental dinners, the price of the catering manager's University of Poppleton Special Reserve Latvian Claret will be raised from £1.40 to £1.60 per 2-litre box.

6 . A counselling service for those concerned about their drinking will be established. But taking into account the thesis developed by Frank Furedi in last week's THES , in which the presence of such services promotes a counselling culture, this will not be mentioned again in public.

That's the lot. All very important. Very, very important. Know what I mean? Know what I mean?

The vice-chancellor

(Signed in his absence by Mrs Dilworth)


The University of Poppleton Calendar 2004 is now available from www.thes.co.uk/bookshop , £10.00

You've reached your article limit.

Register to continue

Registration is free and only takes a moment. Once registered you can read a total of 3 articles each month, plus:

  • Sign up for the editor's highlights
  • Receive World University Rankings news first
  • Get job alerts, shortlist jobs and save job searches
  • Participate in reader discussions and post comments
Register

Have your say

Log in or register to post comments

Most Commented

James Fryer illustration (27 July 2017)

It is not Luddism to be cautious about destroying an academic publishing industry that has served us well, says Marilyn Deegan

Jeffrey Beall, associate professor and librarian at the University of Colorado Denver

Creator of controversial predatory journals blacklist says some peers are failing to warn of dangers of disreputable publishers

Hand squeezing stress ball
Working 55 hours per week, the loss of research periods, slashed pensions, increased bureaucracy, tiny budgets and declining standards have finally forced Michael Edwards out
Kayaker and jet skiiers

Nazima Kadir’s social circle reveals a range of alternative careers for would-be scholars, and often with better rewards than academia

hole in ground

‘Drastic action’ required to fix multibillion-pound shortfall in Universities Superannuation Scheme, expert warns