Laurie Taylor column

January 23, 2003

AN IMPORTANT STATEMENT

From The University of Poppleton.

YES, ITISTRUE. The government intends to raise tuition fees to a level that will leave most graduates in serious debt until well after their 40th birthday.

BUT IT IS NOT ALL BAD NEWS. The University of Poppleton has weighed in with an offer that could take £££££s off that onerous lifetime debt. Yes, we are talking £££££s!

From TODAY the University of Poppleton, one of the UK's premier provincial universities, announces a bumper treasure chest of courses with NO TOP-UP FEES!!!

YES THAT'S RIGHT. ABSOLUTELY. NO TOP-UP FEES. While other undergraduates will be racking up debts of £,000 over their three-year course (increased tuition fees and maintenance costs PLUS £3,000 a year top-up fees), Poppleton offers you a university course that will leave you only a modest £18,000 in debt. A SAVING OF £9,000!!!

Look at what is on offer in our bargain basement. Take your pick from the following GUARANTEED NO TOP-UP FEE COURSES:

Classics
English
History
Mathematics
Medieval studies
Physics

Or just take a glance at the savage cuts we've made in the existing top-up fees for some of our more popular courses:

Spray painting: was £1,000
p. a, now £250
Dog clipping:
was £500 p. a, now £100
Media and cultural studies:
was £100 p. a, now £22.50.

TOPPING UP - NO SIRREE. AT POPPLETON WE'RE TOPPING DOWN!!!

NB: Underprivileged people, if you are short of money and worried about falling into serious debt as a result of the new tuition fees, remember that you can, with help from the state, still afford to study without any stigma at all at Poppleton University. Apply now, marking your letter "POOR".

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