Laurie Taylor column

All rise for the vice-chancellor.

Thank you, bursar.

As you will know, this emergency meeting of senate has been called to deal with our recruitment crisis.

Despite everyone's best efforts, there is every indication that this year we will once again fail to meet our student targets and thereby incur severe financial penalties.

Research indicates that this shortfall is primarily due to the image rather than the reality of Poppleton and that is why I am now pleased to hand over to Mike Trigger, the CEO of the distinguished PR company Sensational Solutions, who has been invited to investigate this problem and make recommendations.

Thank you, Charles.

Slide one please. This summarises our semantic differential inquiry into the associations aroused by the word "Poppleton" in the minds of 500 potential undergraduates. As you will see, the most common associations were "overblown", "liable to puncture" and "fizzy and insubstantial".

Slide two shows that Poppleton also scored poorly on a questionnaire listing the desirable characteristics of universities. It was rated in the bottom quartile on "sense of ancient history", "exotic urban location" and "exciting social life". In our view, therefore, the only way forward for Poppleton is a fundamental re-branding along the lines recently favoured by the Post Office, British Steel and the Spastics Society.

A completely new name?

Exactly. What is needed is a name that simultaneously conveys a sense of ancient history, urbanity and libertarian lifestyle. After extensive trials, we have concluded that these criteria might be best met if this institution was in future known as the University of Sodom.

Sodom? But doesn't that name also have some unfortunate associations?

Indeed. But we feel confident about overcoming such slight negative connotations with our new slogan - "Study at Sodom. You'll Never Look Back" - and the immediate and reassuring installation of a new sprinkler system. Slide three please.