Is There a Serial Killer on Campus?

July 3, 2008

Shock waves once again ran round the campus this week when it was learnt that a second decapitated body had been discovered in the Science Park undergrowth.

Forensic tests have now confirmed that this latest victim is Doctor C. T. Greaves of the University of Uttoxeter, who was visiting our campus in his role as external examiner for the department of English for Business.

This, of course, is the second suspicious demise of an external examiner this month. Only last week we reported the unfortunate death by decapitation of Professor K. W. Montefiore of the University of Thames Ditton who was acting as external examiner in the department of Botany for Business.

Suggestions that both academics might have lost their lives because of their known insistence upon maintaining high academic standards in degree marking and the allocation of "firsts" were dismissed by the university as "fanciful".

Speaking to a hastily convened press conference, our thrusting Director of Corporate Affairs, Jamie Targett, insisted that the deaths were "an unfortunate coincidence" and promised that students in the relevant departments need have no concerns about the adjudication of their final marks. "We have already moved to appoint new examiners for both departments", he announced, "and made them fully cognisant with the fate of their predecessors."

FOLLOWERSHIP COURSES

Such has been the success of the leadership courses run by our very own Head of Personal Development, Jennifer Doubleday, that there are now urgent vacancies on the campus for qualified followers.

This three-week course will provide attendees with a range of basic followership skills including unquestioning obedience, general subservience, all-round docility and thoroughgoing conformity. Applications marked "Humble" should reach Jennifer by 9 o'clock on Thursday morning and not a minute later.

DEGREE CONGREGATIONS

Please note that following last year's unfortunate crowd scenes, the university mace will not this year be carried aloft around the campus by the department gaining the highest number of first-class degrees.

SITUATIONS VACANT

Whistleblower Detection Manager

Following the recent spate of scurrilous revelations about aspects of financial administration on this campus, the university has moved to create a new post in whistle-blowing detection.

The successful candidate will be educated to degree (or equivalent) level and have experience in the early identification of those with an inclination to blow whistles. Apart from possessing the necessary auditory ability to detect distant and proximate whistles, the successful candidate will also be able to point to a proven track record in post-whistleblowing techniques including official denials, strategic cover-ups and advanced obfuscation. Applications marked "Shhhh" should be sent under plain cover to the Deputy Finance Officer PO Box 1302.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

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