Form 2B

Academic Xmas Party Risk Assessment

December 19, 2013

Source: David Parkins

Click image to enlarge

Title of proposed party
Cultural and Media Studies Department Xmas Party

Senior Common Room.Michael Gove College

Thursday 19 December. 6.30pm onwards

Until everybody has gone home

How many attendees?
Five people plus two graduate assistants and Maureen. Reply still awaited from Dr Piercemüller

I thought he’d left
No, he’s still on research leave

What type and quantity of alcohol?
Six bottles of Chianti Classico, two of Pinot Grigio, six cans of Gruttock’s 4X Lager, and a quart of plum brandy that Dr Quintock brought back from his holiday on a nudist island in Croatia

That’s too much information

Will there be any dancing?
Not of the intentional sort

Any jumping up and down?

Any chance that anyone might fall out the window or slip off a ladder or trip on a rug or accidentally stab themselves with a kitchen knife or set fire to the room or inhale asbestos?
Not really

Any games?
After all the drink has been consumed, one member of staff will leave the room and the rest of us will try to guess who’s gone

What is the gender ratio?
All men except for Maureen, who is the departmental secretary

What are the possible learning outcomes from this party?
On the whole, it’s probably not the wisest thing in the world to top off seven glasses of cheap Chianti with a large plum brandy from a nudist island in the former Yugoslavia

Thank you for your time.

Verdict of risk assessmentt committee

The committee decided that it was unable to approve your party. Although many of the risk prevention criteria were met, the committee felt that a ban was appropriate in that there were several indications on the completed form that attendees might actually enjoy themselves.

And we can’t have that, can we?

Times Higher Education free 30-day trial

You've reached your article limit

Register to continue

Registration is free and only takes a moment. Once registered you can read a total of 6 articles each month, plus:

  • Sign up for the editor's highlights
  • Receive World University Rankings news first
  • Get job alerts, shortlist jobs and save job searches
  • Participate in reader discussions and post comments

Have your say

Log in or register to post comments

Most Commented

question marks PhD study

Selecting the right doctorate is crucial for success. Robert MacIntosh and Kevin O'Gorman share top 10 tips on how to pick a PhD

India, UK, flag

Sir Keith Burnett reflects on what he learned about international students while in India with the UK prime minister

Pencil lying on open diary

Requesting a log of daily activity means that trust between the institution and the scholar has broken down, says Toby Miller

Application for graduate job
Universities producing the most employable graduates have been ranked by companies around the world in the Global University Employability Ranking 2016
Construction workers erecting barriers

Directly linking non-EU recruitment to award levels in teaching assessment has also been under consideration, sources suggest