Form 2B

Academic Xmas Party Risk Assessment

December 19, 2013

Source: David Parkins

Click image to enlarge

Title of proposed party
Cultural and Media Studies Department Xmas Party

Where?
Senior Common Room.Michael Gove College

When?
Thursday 19 December. 6.30pm onwards

Onwards?
Until everybody has gone home

How many attendees?
Five people plus two graduate assistants and Maureen. Reply still awaited from Dr Piercemüller

I thought he’d left
No, he’s still on research leave

What type and quantity of alcohol?
Six bottles of Chianti Classico, two of Pinot Grigio, six cans of Gruttock’s 4X Lager, and a quart of plum brandy that Dr Quintock brought back from his holiday on a nudist island in Croatia

That’s too much information
Sorry

Will there be any dancing?
Not of the intentional sort

Any jumping up and down?
Unlikely

Any chance that anyone might fall out the window or slip off a ladder or trip on a rug or accidentally stab themselves with a kitchen knife or set fire to the room or inhale asbestos?
Not really

Any games?
After all the drink has been consumed, one member of staff will leave the room and the rest of us will try to guess who’s gone

What is the gender ratio?
All men except for Maureen, who is the departmental secretary

What are the possible learning outcomes from this party?
On the whole, it’s probably not the wisest thing in the world to top off seven glasses of cheap Chianti with a large plum brandy from a nudist island in the former Yugoslavia

Thank you for your time.

Verdict of risk assessmentt committee

The committee decided that it was unable to approve your party. Although many of the risk prevention criteria were met, the committee felt that a ban was appropriate in that there were several indications on the completed form that attendees might actually enjoy themselves.

And we can’t have that, can we?

lolsoc@dircon.co.uk

Times Higher Education free 30-day trial

You've reached your article limit

Register to continue

Registration is free and only takes a moment. Once registered you can read a total of 6 articles each month, plus:

  • Sign up for the editor's highlights
  • Receive World University Rankings news first
  • Get job alerts, shortlist jobs and save job searches
  • Participate in reader discussions and post comments
Register

Have your say

Log in or register to post comments

Most Commented

Doctoral study can seem like a 24-7 endeavour, but don't ignore these other opportunities, advise Robert MacIntosh and Kevin O'Gorman

Matthew Brazier illustration (9 February 2017)

How do you defeat Nazis and liars? Focus on the people in earshot, says eminent Holocaust scholar Deborah Lipstadt

Improvement, performance, rankings, success

Phil Baty sets out why the World University Rankings are here to stay – and why that's a good thing

Warwick vice-chancellor Stuart Croft on why his university reluctantly joined the ‘flawed’ teaching excellence framework

people dressed in game of thrones costume

Old Germanic languages are back in vogue, but what value are they to a modern-day graduate? Alice Durrans writes