Targett for Universities UK?

December 4, 2008

In an unexpected development, our thrusting Director of Corporate Affairs, Jamie Targett, has indicated that he may throw his hat into the ring for the appointment as Chief Executive of Universities UK.

Targett said that although he was "positively oriented" towards the outgoing Chief Executive, Baroness Warwick, he felt that he "could bring something new to the table".

His first move would be to reposition and reinvigorate the brand image. "How can any organisation expect to maximally impact the national scene when it takes its name from a vomit reflex?"

Target also spoke of the need for all 133 vice-chancellors to come out of their Russell, 1994, CMU and University Alliance silos and "sing from the same song sheet".

"If I'm successful in my application then it will be goodbye to all those lumpy suits and straggly haircuts and all that whingeing in the Athenaeum and moaning in the Marlborough Arms and hello to collective strategic objectives going forward."

Baroness Warwick was unavailable for comment.

Risk Assessment: A Correction

Our Deputy Risk Assessment Officer, Geoffrey Beck, has asked us to point out an error in the latest Risk Assessment Worksheet. On page 24, the risk item "Leaning over backwards when talking to the Vice-Chancellor" should have a postural risk rating of 6.5 rather than the current 4.2. Please amend your records accordingly.

Still Crazy

Poppleton's acting Head of Physics, Professor G. W. Plank, was quick to respond to last week's claim by Bruce Charlton, the newly appointed Professor of Theoretical Medicine at Buckingham University, that modern universities have no room for "crazy scientists".

Speaking to our reporter, Keith Ponting (30), Plank pointed to "our very own Doctor Simcox who has spent the last three years throwing eggs over the top of the Physics Cooling Tower in a vain attempt to refute Newton's First Law of Motion".

Professor Plank went on to explain that his department had been able to retain Doctor Simcox's services in the present economic climate by the simple expedient of locking him the Humidity Cabinet during QAA visitations.

Do you know any idiot scientists on campus? Contact The Poppletonian during daylight hours.

Bully Off

Our Head of Personal Development has asked us to convey the following apology to all those who turned up for last week's two-hour workshop on bullying.

"I regret that the email advertising the workshop did not make it clear that it was specifically intended for all those who felt that they were currently the subject of bullying and not for those members of staff who wished to learn how to bully more effectively."

The workshop will be rescheduled.

Thought for the Week
(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

I'm sure we all feel sorry for all those members of staff in the Sociology Building who are having to struggle through these chilly days without a roof on their building. Let's hope this little saying makes their lot a little easier: "One kind word can warm three winter months."

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