Down with scholars!

October 22, 2009

Our vice-chancellor is to head up a brand new organisation called UMAS (University Managers Against Scholarship).

Speaking to The Poppletonian earlier this week, he explained that membership of UMAS was open to all university vice-chancellors who did not go along with "the fashionable self-serving research peddled in organs like Times Higher Education that suggests that scholars make the best university leaders".

"Look at this university now," he said. "Does anyone seriously believe that we'd be in our present state if there'd been an airy-fairy head-in-the-clouds scholar at the helm, rather than myself and my dedicated and ever-growing team of hard-nosed functionally illiterate managers."

Did he anticipate a large membership? "Oh yes. You've only got to attend a couple of meetings of UUK to realise that there are simply dozens of vice-chancellors sitting around the table who don't have an idea in their heads about Proust or particle physics but would certainly know a strategic objective if it looked them in the face."

Our vice-chancellor confirmed that UMAS would go forward under its newly designed logo - Scholarship Sucks. Management Moves.

Student feedback death

We regret to report the death of second-year politics student Georgina Satterthwaite.

It appears that Georgina was overcome by the sheer weight of feedback she had been receiving under the university's new Fix the Student Survey Feedback scheme. A fellow student told our reporter, Keith Ponting (30), that Georgina had repeatedly complained to him about being unable to say a single word in seminars or write a single paragraph of an essay without being bombarded with comments from tutors about the extent of her progress. The last straw was when she staggered home after a day of unremitting feedback to find that tutors had posted even more feedback under the door of her room.

Our Deputy Head of Student Experience, Nancy Harbinger, promised that Ms Satterthwaite's parents would be receiving feedback on the circumstances of their daughter's sad demise.

Colleges are coming

Jamie Targett, our thrusting Director of Corporate Affairs, has announced that Poppleton is to adopt a collegiate structure by merging its 18 academic faculties into three colleges.

He explained that the new colleges would be designed in such a way as to bring together subjects that enjoyed a natural affinity. So, whereas in the past, such subjects as History, Electronic Games Technology, Botany, Hedge-Fund Management, Chemistry, Forensic Murder, Ceramics, Medieval Literature and Nursing were to be found in varying faculties, they were now united under one collegiate roof and could "cultivate their synergies".

Targett confirmed that the three colleges would be known initially as Fairly General College, Not Quite So General College and Things Left Over College. He antici-pated that the new structure would lead to considerable efficiency savings and reduce administrative duplication. "What's the point of having secretaries like Maureen trying to find ways to fill her time in a single department when she could so easily be in charge of an entire college," he said.

Maureen told The Poppletonian that she was too busy self-harming to comment on the proposed changes.

Thought for the Week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

Here's a little inspirational quotation designed especially for losers. Hope you like it.

"If you can't be a pine on the top of the hill

Be a scrub in the valley

But be the best little scrub by the side of the rill

Be a bush if you can't be a tree."

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