Laissez-faire lecturers

The announcement last week of the discovery of the heaviest element, "Administratium", has touched a nerve. An administrator has news of a new economic theory, "Nonpareilism", that describes academics' behaviour.

Nonpareilism is based on the notion that some people have no equal; it recognises that a small bit of knowledge confers a monopoly of wisdom on all things known to man. Advocates of the theory recognise that the gross national product is influenced by productivity, but maintain that productivity can be maximised by elastic working arrangements away from campus.

Nonpareilists recognise the value to the economy of injections of foreign exchange and therefore encourage overseas jaunts.

Nonpareilists acknowledge the value of a balanced budget and support the accelerator theory of budget management that states that thrift in the first 11 months of the fiscal year is followed by the "excessive-desperadum multiplier or the bastards-will-keep-it" method of spending in the last month.

Nonpareilists view the supply of central guidance as a barrier to progress and refuse to distribute it. They are rooted in the laissez-faire school on the grounds that it is nice to do whatever the hell one likes.